From the time we’re old enough to speak, girls are taught to be polite. Not just kind — pleasant. Agreeable. Easy to manage. We’re taught to say “sorry” when someone bumps into us, to smile when we’re uncomfortable, and to soften our “no” into something less direct. Politeness isn’t just encouraged. It’s enforced — through praise when we comply, through punishment when we don’t.
But at what cost?
The Social Cost of Accommodation
According to sociologist Marianne Cooper, women are often stuck in what’s called “emotion management” — adjusting their feelings to accommodate others. It’s not simply about etiquette. It’s about managing perceptions for self-protection. And it comes with a cost: emotional labor that drains energy, undermines authenticity, and over time, silences the voice entirely.
The Conditioning Starts Early
We learn young that discomfort should be hidden. That confrontation is unladylike. That rejecting attention might be seen as rude. That speaking firmly risks being labeled a problem. Little girls hear “smile” before they hear “speak up.” They are taught to keep the peace before they are taught to protect their boundaries.
So we laugh off comments that cross a line. We make ourselves small in meetings. We apologize before giving an opinion. We send “haha no worries!!” texts when we’re actually seething — because we’ve been told that being liked is safer than being right. And slowly, politeness shifts from a choice to a reflex, one that overrides even our own best interests.
Politeness Isn’t Harmless
This isn’t about manners. It’s about power.
When women are constantly asked to accommodate others — to cushion their words, defer their needs, and tolerate discomfort — we create a world where silence is rewarded and assertiveness is punished. Where boundaries are seen as threats. Where anger, even when justified, is reframed as hysteria.
The price of politeness isn’t just momentary frustration. It’s the erosion of self. It’s the quiet loss of credibility when you bite your tongue instead of challenging a lie. It’s the shrinking of personal space until there’s no space left at all.
We’re Not Here to Be Palatable
There’s nothing wrong with kindness. But when kindness is weaponized to keep women compliant — to suppress anger, blur boundaries, or demand that women make themselves digestible — it stops being kind and starts being control. That’s not generosity. That’s erasure.
We don’t owe anyone a smile. We don’t have to make every “no” sound sweet. We don’t have to sand down our edges to make other people comfortable. Because comfort for others should never come at the cost of self-respect.
Sometimes, the most radical thing a woman can do is stop being polite. Not cruel, not reckless — simply unwilling to shrink herself to fit someone else’s expectations.
Politeness has its place. But truth has a louder one.